Saturday, September 8, 2007
Ask Margie and Edna
Once again, Margie and Edna, Jericho's oldest advice columnists, give advice to the hapless and the clueless out there in the metro-Jericho area. They've put on their thinking caps, just to give you the very best that their sharp brains (and sharper tongues) have to offer.
Dear Margie and Edna,
My name is Skylar. My parents are dead and I'm all alone except for my boyfriend Dale. Since Dale runs Gracie's market he is becoming attractive to more and more women. I'm worried. I'm almost out of makeup, my nails are chipped, and I can't get to the beauty parlor. What can I do to keep Dale?
Skylar S., Jericho, KS
Margie: Honey, let me be frank. What's in that market that's worth fighting over Dale to get? I mean if he had some nice ribs or hens or steak I might mosey on down there and look him over but he doesn't. As far as nails, hair, and makeup I'll let you ask my sister, because she used all that fancy stuff and still couldn't hold on to a man.
Edna: I know it's tough losing your family, sweetie; the only family I have left is this shrew of a sister, and I just wish I could lose her somewhere. Now you're young, so I'm going to give you some words of wisdom here: do not let yourself be defined by a man, especially that Dale Turner. (He's got delusions of grandeur if ever I've seen them. I think you might just want to hitch your wagon to a different horse.) So what if other women are attracted to him? If he truly loves you, he won't look twice at those other little hussies. And if all that it takes to turn his head is a little face paint and nail polish, then he's not worth fighting for--you take it from me, dear.
Dear Margie and Edna,
I can't tell you my real name so just call me CLUEles. I want to know why people don't like me? Nobody in Jericho wants me here and they shun me when I walk down the street. Today was the worst. I went to the Mayor and offered my help in any area where I was needed. He looked at me with disdain, shook his head, and said, "What would you like to do? Tax collecting?" My feelings are hurt. How can I make them like me?
CLUEles, Jericho, KS (but recently of Los Angeles)
Edna: Well, maybe you need to take a closer look at your behavior. Have you done anything recently to alienate the good people of Jericho or their supporters? I bet that if you look really closely, you'll realize that people have a very good reason for disliking you. Has anyone brought up the subject of legumes to you, dear?
Margie: CLUEles, one problem may be that Italian silk suit you're wearing. Nobody in this town even has a suit any more. Edna is correct about looking closely at your behavior. Do you wash up regularly? Do you talk to people as if they're making peanuts? And, what's wrong with people collecting taxes? Why don't you go home and have a suppository then you'll feel better tomorrow?
Dear Margie and Edna,
I'm currently the henchman--er, assistant manager--to a high-ranking official here in New Bern. The perks of the job are good: protection, regular food and water, the chance to go on "goodwill" trips to nearby towns. However, my boss is so demanding, he dominates all of my personal time. He takes all of his anger out on me, and although he promised to let me relocate my family, he constantly goes back on his word. How do I let my boss know that I won't stand for his unreasonable demands any more?
Your friend, Russell of New Bern, KS
Margie: Russell, when did Edna become your boss? You need to get your friends together and go pay a "goodwill" visit on your boss. Ask Hawkins to let you use the tank. I believe that will solve your problem. If it doesn't, then send the tank and Hawkins's daughter with her pistol.
Edna: Margie, believe it or not, for once I am in full agreement with you. Russell, you cannot reason with a domineering boss--trust me, I've been dealing with bossy types all my life. In your situation, I would suggest a show of force like Margie describes. If your boss “fires” you, you can always come live here in Jericho with us—but only if you apologize for trying to invade the town. That really wasn’t nice, young man.
Okay folks, here’s your chance to get some advice from Jericho’s #1 gossip mavens. Do you have a question for Margie and Edna? Submit your questions, and Margie and Edna will tackle your toughest post-apocalyptic problems and concerns. You may submit a question either for an existing Jericho character, or for yourself. However, if you submit a question for yourself, it must be as if you are living in Jericho or New Bern—no real world problems allowed.
Send your questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org, put “Ask Margie and Edna” in the subject line. We reserve the right to edit questions for length, spelling, etc. Please bear in mind, it’s possible that not all questions will be selected to be answered. Keep watching this space, maybe Margie and Edna will answer your question next!