Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Margie and Edna: Advice For The Misguided
Margie: Hello everyone. Welcome. People in Jericho have always turned to me for advice so I decided to write a little column so more folks could benefit. I don't mind helping one person but, this way, I can help many at one time. God gave me my wisdom so I could share it. I intend to share it with you.
My word! What is that racket? Did you hear it?
Edna: That racket was you running your mouth again, Margie. I swear, I don't think I've ever met anyone as in love with the sound of their own voice as you are. You know, it's lucky that THE BOTH OF US have so much to offer the good people of the metro-Jericho area. We've helped so many people over the years, it just makes sense that we make some of our advice public--that way, we can help so many more lost souls in these dangerous times.
Margie: (Dear Readers, overlook my deluded sister. I have to humor her so let's pretend she has something to offer you.)Edna, how nice of you to join us. Let's get to our first poor lost soul shall we?
Dear Edna and Margie: I'm the sheriff/mayor of a small Kansas town, with aspirations to something bigger. What advice would you have for a power-hungry megalomaniac who has his sights set on total world domination--one town at a time?
P.C., New Bern, KS
Edna: Well bless your heart, there's nothing I like more than an over-achiever! But honey, maybe you might want to think about settling down with a nice girl instead. Total world domination never ends well--did history teach you nothing?
Margie: Thank you, “P.C.”, for asking for our advice. We have years of experience dealing in such matters. You see, I have a sister who is power-hungry and has had her sights set on total man domination-one man (or 2 or 3) at a time.
Edna: Wait…Phillip Constantino, is that you? You leave Jericho alone! Don't think I don't remember the time you and your brothers egged my house. I've got my eye on you.
Margie: Here we go. She's got her eye on you all right. You better forget world domination and try to save yourself from this man-hungry old hag.
Dear Edna and Margie: My name is Darcy Hawkins and my husband, Robert, keeps secrets from me. I'm not sure if he's really who he says he is or if he has told me the truth about anything. For example, he brought this strange woman home a while back and I suspect they were lovers. Before I could find out about this woman, our daughter killed her. How can I uncover Robert's secrets?
Darcy Hawkins, Jericho, KS
Margie: Honey, the way to a man's secrets is by plying him with a good meal. Wait. You can't prepare a good meal because Gracie's doesn't carry the ingredients. Let's go to Plan B. Maybe your daughter could go out and kill a deer or something and you could prepare that. Be sure to use plenty of salt. Bon appetit!
Edna: Margie, the only time you tried to win a man's heart that way, he had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency stomach pumping. Darcy, don't listen to her. You just ask your Robert about his secrets. If he really loves you, he'll tell the truth. And if he doesn't tell the truth--well, maybe your daughter can give you some shooting lessons.
Dear Edna and Margie: No matter where I go in town, no matter what I do, I'm always in the background. I never get any limelight, and even though I have plenty to say, no one lets me speak my mind. Do you have any suggestions about how I can get a more prominent spot in town?
Jennie-the-townsperson, Jericho, KS
Edna: Jennie, it sounds to me like you've got a bad case of low self-esteem. Either that, or you have a bad agent. Don't hide your light under a bushel, dear! You just step forward, no matter what the situation, and let your personality show.
Margie: Jennie, I've always been in the limelight and I've always been the life of the party. Having been prominent in Jericho for all my adult years I can certainly help you achieve your goal. Unfortunately, Edna did not accept my guidance so her dim light was definitely hidden under a bushel and she has no personality. Contact me privately, sweetie.
We'll be back........